What's Stopping You?
by cpdfan4
Summary: When Annie asks Erin what's stopping her from leaving Chicago, she's forced to face the reality of something she's known for quite a while. Linstead one-shot that takes place post 4x11 (aka how it should have ended, in my opinion anyway.)


"What's stopping you?" Annie asked, and Erin knew that her friend didn't expect her to have an answer. She was Erin Lindsay, after all. She didn't _depend_ on anyone, per say. There had never been anything, or anyone, tying her down anywhere. She had learned to be fiercely independent long before Annie had met her at age nine. But at some point during the last year of her life, that had changed. And she was having trouble with that change, which was probably part of the reason she ended up in this shitty bar in the first place. Because suddenly, there was someone who wanted to remove the weight right off her back and carry it himself. Someone who always wanted what was best for her, even when she couldn't see it herself. Someone who, sometimes, Erin thought loved her more than she loved herself. And that someone was probably at home worrying about her and beating himself up when he truly had done nothing wrong.

Erin tore her eyes away from the shot glass in front of her and looked at Annie, who was wearing an _I-told-you-so_ look on her face, still assuming Erin was actually considering her suggestion of leaving Chicago. The detective shook her head and unconsciously allowed a small smile at the thought of the name that was about to leave her lips. "Jay."

"What?" Annie asked, a confused look clouding her face. Nope, she definitely hadn't seen that one coming.

"Jay's stopping me," she said louder this time, her voice more confident as it all clicked in her brain. "I have to go." Erin quickly stood up and grabbed her jacket off of the stool next to her, throwing a few bills on the bar to cover the alcohol she hadn't even touched. She waved over her shoulder to Annie, who still looked confused but also proud as she watched her friend leave, and nearly ran out the door to her car, knowing there was somewhere she needed to be immediately.

She considered flipping the sirens on in her rush to be in Jay's arms, but realized she needed the time of the car ride to figure out what exactly she was going to say to her boyfriend. The streets of Chicago were practically empty at this time of night and Erin still hadn't figured out her monologue by the time she parked her car in front of their apartment building, but she couldn't wait any longer. Taking a deep breath, Erin entered the building and took the stairs two at a time up to their third floor apartment, not wanting to waste any more time waiting for the elevator. She slipped the key in the lock and turned the doorknob, quietly letting herself into their apartment. It was dark but she could hear the TV quietly playing in the living room and she had to hold back a laugh when she heard the monotone voice of some narrator from one of Jay's favorite documentaries. _Dork._ She hung her coat over Jay's on the hook by the door then bent down to take off her boots before slowly making her way down the hallway to the couch that Jay was sitting on. As Erin had guessed, the documentary about penguins was playing on the TV, but Jay was paying no attention to it. His back was to her but she could tell he was zoned out, his eyes boring into his blank phone screen. He definitely hadn't heard her enter the room and Erin's heart broke at how much stress she'd caused him today when he'd done nothing but try to help her.

"Hey," she rasped quietly, walking around from the back of the couch to sit next to him.

Jay jumped when he heard her voice. Quite honestly, he hadn't expected her to come home tonight; despite the earlier text she'd sent him. As much as he'd been praying for this moment all night, needing to know she was safe and sober, he couldn't help the anger that bubbled within him the second he heard her voice. Unable to face her yet in fear of saying something that he most definitely didn't mean, he took his time to reach forward and place his phone on the coffee table, turning to meet her eyes only once his heart had stopped pounding.

"Hey," he replied and despite his anger, it took everything in him not to reach out and take her in his arms right then and there. Her eyes were glossy with unshed tears, just as they had been in the break room that morning during their fight. Her face was paler than usual and bags hung under her eyes, putting on display the toll that this day had taken on her. She was still beautiful, though.

"Jay, I'm sorry," she said, squeezing her eyes shut to stop the tears from falling. She had to get through this.

"I'm sor-" Jay began, but Erin shook her head.

"Let me finish. Please," she said shakily, continuing once he nodded in agreement. "I'm sorry for everything I said to you today, I didn't mean a word of it. I'm not used to having people look out for me and God knows I don't know how to let anyone in. I just… I really wanted it all to be true. I wanted to believe that I finally knew who my dad was and that it was someone who actually cared about me enough to collect fifteen years worth of pictures of me. I wanted to believe that Bunny finally got her act together and that my life would just seem normal for once. And it's not your fault that none of it was true but I took it out on you anyway. I should have been thanking you for caring enough to run his DNA but instead I was yelling at you and taking all of my anger out on the wrong person, as always. It's better that I found out now instead of after I formed a relationship with him, but God, Jay…" her voice cracked as she said his name and her tears finally betrayed her by falling out of her eyes. "I should be used to it by now but just hurts so bad,"

"Er," Jay breathed, his resolve weakening the second a tear broke free from her eyes. "Come here." He immediately reached out to her, pulling her small body into his chest. He felt his shirt being soaked through with tears and he tightened his grip on her, burying his face in her hair as he rubbed circles on her back and waited for her to calm down. He'd never wanted to kill anyone as much as he wanted to kill Bunny Fletcher in that moment.

Once Erin was pretty sure she'd run out of tears and her breathing had returned to normal, she pulled herself away from Jay's chest to look back into his eyes. "I'm sorry," she repeated.

Jay shook his head. "It's okay, Er. I get it,"

"You can't forgive me that easily. All you were doing was looking out for me and I was so mean to you-"

It was Jay's turn to cut her off. "I _do_ forgive you. It's done, it's over. Let's just focus on moving past this," he said gently, releasing his hold on her body to move his hands to her face and wipe away the stray tears and mascara from under her eyes. He understood her defense mechanisms; hell, he had the exact same ones. If she thought how she'd reacted today was bad, he was thankful she hadn't known him when he first got back from Afghanistan.

"Really?" she asked, and Jay hated that she seemed surprised. He hated himself for even being angry in the first place. He hated that she _expected_ him to be mad at her when she was the one who'd just had the rug ripped out from under her. Again.

"Really. You know why?" he asked, knowing she had no idea. She shook her head no.

"Because I just want you to be happy. Because I love you, Erin," Jay continued, leaning forward to press his lips to her forehead.

Erin's hands snaked up around his neck as she buried her head into the crook of his neck; feeling like a million pound weight had just been lifted off of her back. "I love you," she whispered into his hot skin as she was hit with a realization. She didn't _need_ Bunny or Jimmy or whoever the hell her dad was to complete the perfect picture of a family that she had in her head. She only needed one person. The person who was currently wrapped around her body like he was trying to shield her from her problems and protect her from the world. The person who continued to prove time and time again that he would do whatever it took to make sure she was safe and happy. She only needed Jay.


End file.
